Mrs. Ifeoma Bassey Inuaeyen, the beautiful wife of Obong Bassey Inuaeyen, chancellor, Ibom Patriots, recently lost her precious mother, late Mrs. Caroline Onike who will be laid to rest on Friday 15th July, 2020 at her country home, Amatutu, Agulu town in Anambra State. In this interview with Crystal Express she recalls the great and evergreen moments, love and bond they all shared with her mother as one big and united family. She also recounts her marital journey to Akwa Ibom in then Cross Rivers State in 1985 at a time such decisions were strange in her community, citing love as the only factor that made her stand with her husband through thick and thin till date.
Excerpts
Could you let us meet you?
My name is Mrs. Ifeoma Inuaeyen, first daughter of late Mr. Gabriel and Caroline Onike. I was born and brought up in Agbor, Delta State and my late parents lived in Agbor all their lives. I graduated from the University of Lagos and had my MBA from the University of Nigeria, Nsukka. I worked for about 15 years in the bank, later resigned to look after my children until they left to secondary school before I joined my husband in his business.
Your marriage to Obong Bassey Inuaeyen could also be described as marriage across the Niger. In those days it was difficult for the first daughter in your community to marry outside her enclave, let alone going to a very far state then like old Cross River State. What motivated you?
My motivation was love. I met somebody I loved and I prayed seriously about it with a conviction that the only thing that would discourage or stop me from marrying the man was if my parents refused to give consent to the marriage because I never disobeyed my parents till their last moments on earth, I had never. But when he came, he won their hearts and when people said that it would not be possible for me to go being the first daughter of my parents, they told the people that I was already learning the language of my husband’s people and that closed the matter.
You said you never disrespected your parents. Was it because they were harsh and strict disciplinarians or they trained and instilled the fear of God in you?
My parents, though uneducated in formal schooling, were very knowledgeable. They were very firm when they took informed decisions. They instilled the fear of God in us and taught us to honour and obey God as our creator and them as our parents. I recall that when a friend of mine in those days from Yoruba land whose father was a professor in the University of Ife wanted to marry an Igbo man, her father vowed that such marriage would only take place after his death. But in our youthful days as teenagers, I remember our house being the one-stop tourist centre for traders from Onitsha to Lagos or Warri and those from Lagos going to the East and needed to have a brief stopover because of the long journey. I had very loving and accommodating parents.
Earlier in Igbo land, we had a lot of people practicing traditional religion. Were your parents into it or they embraced Christian religion?
They were very good and practicing Christians. We are strong Catholics and regularly pray the Rosary in our house. They also taught us Catechism. We still carry on with the teachings of our Lord Jesus Christ and very active in the works of God.
We understand that notwithstanding your love for your husband, you were discouraged and almost called it quit during your first journey to his country home in Ini Local Government Area then Cross River State. Why?
What happened was that my parents encouraged me to go and see their people and I was worried about language barrier. But they told me that I should use my eyes more and observe the people’s body language and reactions as they were the greatest language. They said if I go and return with good news that they would give consent to the marriage. So we took off.
However, the stories I heard as a child that there were places you cross several rivers and forests to get to played out, and I knew it was real for some people. As he moved, we passed one thick forest after another, thinking we were in an endless journey crossing these forests. I started yelling not just weeping. In fact, I told my husband to take me back home as I was not interested in getting married to him again. But he was persuasive and kept assuring me that his country home was just by the corner after passing these forests.
On arrival we met his father who gave us warm greetings. I started observing their ways, I saw something which was strange even in my own community: a situation where everybody was taking the palm wine from the same keg using just one cup and passing it round themselves. There was this communal love devoid of hatred or fear of one another.
In the morning, as I was brought up, I undertook the cleaning of the entire compound, made breakfast for the family and all that, by evening, people started trooping in with gifts of farm produce such as plantain, garri, yam, chickens, goat and so many more. We had so much foodstuff we couldn’t carry and we left some behind for my parents-in-law. Then in 1985, money was very valuable and hard to come by but I got over N250 from the people who visited, most of them peasant farmers in the village. I returned to my parents’ house in Agbor and reported that his mama didn’t so much like me and that I may not continue the marriage but my father looked at me and laughed and said that the main thing was that I had seen that they have good communal life and that the neighbors ensured that I settled with mama and that they were ready to give consent to my desire to marry my husband. That was how the journey fully started.
Related: Life & Times: My Mother-In-Law Extended Love And Compassion To In-Laws
We also gathered that your marriage had its own share of challenges as you failed to conceive after seven years. What was running in your mind in those seven difficult years?
Like every woman in such a situation, I was worried but I saw that my husband was not worried. He kept encouraging me and maintained that God’s time is the best but other women would be reminding you to act fast as a woman has her biological time for procreation. The challenges were there but we trusted in the Lord. We kept praying but avoided going to any odd place in search of the fruit of the womb. My husband ensured that the family did not interfere in the matter until God answered our prayers. That was why my mother would always say that after God, it is my husband, because she had not seen a man with his level of patience and endurance.
Your lovely mother will be interred on Friday after an eventful life on earth. How would you describe the woman who gave you all from childhood?
My mother was one in a million. There are very few like her. She was not formally educated but knew much more than those who attended schools. She was more intelligent even than lecturers. People consulted my mother in so many things including cooking, business, farming, gardening and how to even take care of their health and diet. She also groomed us that way. In my family there was this strong bond that when you travel and return home, you will always receive warm embrace from everybody and these were the footprints of my parents. They were not wealthy as such but very contented with what God blessed them with and we were happy. We put God first in all our undertakings.
Like in some homes, did you I as a child witness some fracas between your parents?
Actually I never noticed such between my parents outside cracking jokes. We were eight in the house – four boys, four girls. We’re all graduates. Even my father at a time started adult school to improve his education at Hobis Centre in Agbor. He would go and return around 8pm, eat, interact with us before returning to bed.
What is the binding bond holding you eight siblings together in the absence of your parents who are now late?
It is not as strong as when they were alive. My father was a man of the people while my mother was a great cook. People talk about my grandmother and mother’s culinary skills with pride but my brothers have not been able to clearly toe that path my parents carved. The men in particular have had their issues, like every large family and are also amicably sorting it out for peace to reign but the ladies have been a strong force mediating and trying to ensure stability at home. So far the much peace and love our parents left for us, we are doing everything to safeguard them.
As the first daughter the bulk of ensuring that the peace and love is sustainable rests on your shoulders. Are you aware of that?
Yes. I know that very well and I do my best to ensure that the family remains together. Marriage did not take us ladies outside the picture of taking care of our parents. When my mother was here with her health challenges, we didn’t abandon her to the men alone. We also made significant contributions to her recovery and well-being.
The demise of a mother is always very painful looking at the love and bond between her and her children. What will you miss about your departed mother?
I will miss her wise counsel. She was a problem solver and very caring mother. She loved God and humanity.
Were you privileged to be around her in her last moments on earth, because those who witness such rare privileges may extract information or last blessing from them?
I will say yes and no. When she started getting sick, I took her and she stayed with me for a whole year in Lagos and she was comfortable. During the last Christmas, I brought her home and she said she would stay back for a while and return to Lagos after Easter. So I left her and returned to Lagos. However before Easter in March, she fell ill and was taken to Asaba Medical Centre. After my father’s death I had promised mum of regular visits which I kept to, so we were very close. I was waiting and praying for her to recover so I could take her home but the illness persisted, before she gave up I visited and she got better and returned home. The final journey started in a jiffy. She was ill again and taken to the hospital and within two days, she died.
I wasn’t there the moment she gave up and that was why I said yes and no. Her legacies however will outlive her. We have visited her people to formally inform them of her demise according to the tradition and it was moments they all eulogized her well spent years on earth and promised to ensure that her legacies are preserved. They also promised to ensure a befitting burial for her.
