As day breaks, hundreds of couples are seen gracing their footprints in the customary court to have their marriages dissolved. Sadly, this act of disunity among couples is causing a sudden rise in the phenomenon of single parenting in Nigeria.
Although some cases of single parenting vary, like one having a child out of wedlock or sudden demise of a spouse, it is still worrisome when one is left in the cold phase of parenting alone.
Narrating the ordeal of being a single mother, a Nigerian actor and former Big Brother Naija housemate, Tokunbo Idowu, better known as TBoss, went to her Instagram page to pen down the struggles that come with single parenting.
In her words: “I am a single mother and I tend to laugh when I see some of the comments about how I make motherhood look so sweet, I even get lots of SMS about ladies wanting to have kids because of my portrayal of motherhood.
“However, it is hard to be a single mother. Last night I was up begging and screaming at my daughter to go to sleep at 4:30am. The night before it was 5:30am, the one before that was 5am, she just wasn’t having it. I don’t get a chance to do my own stuff, I can’t get a moment to shave my armpits or have a proper convo with my friends because lil mama is going to cook her teddy bear in the middle of the living room.
“My body’s changed tremendously, I am loosing my hair, my eyes are puffy and black and sunken. I can’t afford to have off-days because my mood would affect hers. Days when she’s under the weather- I lose sleep so badly that I break down as soon as she gets better. Pampers, wipes, baby food, clothes, cosmetics ain’t cheap. Constantly wondering if I’m doing the right thing? Constantly thinking about her future.”
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Another lady who stands on the condition of anonymity is a divorcee and single mother to five boys. Addressing the issue of loneliness and societal judgement, she expressed that the challenges of a single parent can be enormous, especially loneliness and societal stigmatization.
“There are times as a normal human, I feel so empty and in need of company to take off my emotional stress but for respect purposes and not wanting to give the kids a bad influence, I decide to drown in my emptiness.
“And to complicate issues, our society doesn’t help at all. People think the woman should have kept enduring not minding if it would have caused her death. So the woman is flagged as incompetent in handling the home.”
Aligning with her thought on societal judgement, Sylvia Smith who is an expert in marriage affairs said “society judges separated spouses instead of giving them the right support at this time. Negative family members and friends give them a hard time coping with the situation, making them have self-doubt and low confidence as single parents.”
Still on societal stigmatization, a young single mother of four kids whose lover abandoned her with the singlehood status , recounted her own episodes of parenting alone on Saturday Vanguard. She hinted that her predicament keeps her away from the church’s Holy Communion and her children from infant baptism. She also admitted of being traumatized by the stigmatization of the society, as a result of it, she is morally debased.
Bearing the brunt of the plague of single parenting is a father of three who lost his wife in the cold hands of death. Desmond (not real name) revealed the toughness of playing double roles of parenthood. He said, “It has been a tasking journey because I try so hard as a widower to fill the gap to be both mother and father to the kids. It has also made me stronger although there is that part of me that is still very broken.
“It is also quite unfortunate that the society prefers helping widows to widowers because people feel men are strong enough to handle any circumstance. But widowers should also be considered because they are vulnerable in handling family issues. ”
Another single father recounted his peril of parenting after divorcing his wife on the grounds of incompatibility.
“After divorcing my wife, it has been difficult to see my children since she was given the custody of our children in the court. During visiting hours, she makes me wait for almost one hour before seeing my kids.
My ex-wife also uses this opportunity to drain me financially. She demands a whole lot of money all in the name of taking care of the welfare of the kids. This is having a negative effect to my well-being.”
Sadly, there are thousands of people daily drowning emotionally because they are left alone to take care of the welfare of the children. Apart from the plagues aforementioned, there are other perilous shades of solo parenting that can be so devastating.
Experts identify sense of guilt as one of the plagues of sole parenting. In the words of Sylvia Smith, “It is common for single parents to go on a guilt trip after a bitter divorce and this poses several questions in the mind of an estranged spouse.
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‘What if I could have been patient with my spouse? How will the children judge me when they grow old? How come I have lost friends after the separation?
‘These unanswered questions of single parenting rob their innocence and only add to the difficulties of single parenting.”
Another shade can be the children being affected from this traumatized situation. For instance, a son that grows up under a single mother’s parenting is likely to crave for a father figure in his life. The same is applicable to a girl that is only groomed up by a father; she as well may be in dire need of a mother figure in her life.
In the aspect of discipline and negligence, studies reveal that it can be hard work to be the only disciplinarian in the house. The parent can be seen as a wicked person if strict discipline is enhanced in a child’s life. And In the course of meeting the financial needs of the children, the lonely parent may not create quality time for the children and this negligence can expose the child to negative peer pressure.
Truth be told, being saddled with the responsibility of rearing a child alone can be difficult under any circumstance. Having nobody to support you emotionally or financially can result in depression, stress or any behavioural problems. It is therefore pertinent that the individuals involved in this kind of life situation have to seek for means to survive under this duress.
Perhaps, for some, single parenting becomes a blessing in disguise or the only way to prolong their lifespan on earth. Just in the words of the single mother with five kids, “it is better to be a single parent than to die in a toxic marriage.”
However, despite the plagues in sole parenting, there are some soul-balming tips that one can apply to ease the stress or struggle of single parenting.
Admonishing the single parents on how to handle guilt, Sylvia Smith said a person trying to look at fault and self-blame is not healthy for single parents, noting that it is better to accept the situation and be confident you made the right decision so as to look at the positive angle of the situation to forge ahead.
Relaying the situation to the children, an expert handling single parenting issues, Stepheny Jason, said it is imperative to “explain to your child what is going on and how things will be from now on. Be gentle and honest about your feelings and give them a platform to speak about this issue too. Deal with their questions; reassure them that whatever is happening is none of their faults.”
Jason said being able to accept what happened will help the child to be more open about his/her feelings and opinions. This will provide him/her with a humble base for building their emotional stability and get all the support they need.
Another expert on “Empowering Parents”, Elisabeth Wilkins, also recommended the strategy of kids knowing they are needed in the family. She hinted that one of the biggest problems with children today is that they are not “needed” in the family. She suggested that a single parent can truthfully say, “We’re a team, we can share the responsibility.”
In her words, “Give your kids opportunities to feel needed and valued. Give them real responsibilities in the home such as helping with laundry or dinner (depending upon the child’s age). Single parents can look at this as an opportunity, and say, “Wow, I really do need my kids.”
Stepheny Jason also emphasized the need for a single parent to take care of his or her self to ease the stress of single parenting.
“It is important for you to take care of yourself, especially in these troubled times. Try to be healthy, fit and on-the-go. Take time off for yourself to relax and unwind.
“Adjust at your own pace and take things as they come. You can’t control everything, so might as well focus on what you can actually control. It is so important to influence children positively to change or improve their outlook towards life.
“Set new goals for yourself and your child and focus on building a better future together. Befriend other single parents and share your experiences with them. You may even be able to rely on them to understand any problems you might be facing, “he admonished.
According to Jason, another tip in overcoming the struggle of single parenting is clearing communication and interactions with the children. “Establishing an open line of communication will help to set some ground rules. Ensuring your child is not having behavioural issues is also very important. Address their feelings on the matter, pay attention to what they are telling you, and encourage them to share accordingly.
Regarding disciplining the child, Jason points out that there are times there will be heated arguments but a parent should learn to be patient and persistent with the rules he or she has created for the child. “Times are tough; there will be heated arguments and some bad blood. Sometimes, you might want to give in. It may have to depend on the situation entirely. It’s wise to pick your moments and know when not to.”
Talking on inculcating respect in the child, Jason admonished single parents to avoid talking in a disrespectful way about their ex-partner. “If you want your children to be respectful, you have to model respectful behaviour for them. Vent to another adult when your child isn’t around.”
Addressing societal stigmatization, one of single parents said, “People around the single parents should take particular attention in making sure they watch out for them instead of being judgemental. A smile, a hug, simple how do you do and appreciating the person’s looks would go a long way.”
It is truism that every parent’s top priority is to build a happy and safe home for their children. To take up the whole workload and responsibilities that come along with bringing up a child is no mean feat. That being said, single parenting is probably one of the most challenging tasks ever. But with persistent efforts and steely resolve, one can surely turn single parenting into a positive life experience.
