When Girlhood Is Reduced To Wifehood: The Hidden Trauma We Ignore
A tragic incident occurred recently in Ughelli North Local Government Area of Delta State, where a yet-to-be-identified woman killed her husband and his mistress, and severely injured a neighbour who tried to stop her from committing the heinous act.
The housewife and mother of three is now in police custody, awaiting trial. Beyond the headlines lies a deeper question: What could have driven her to take two lives in a single day? What in-depth emotional wound could have pushed her to act so decisively and violently?
These questions highlight a social problem known as trauma, a psychological effect rarely acknowledged in African settings, yet whose patterns profoundly shape one’s behaviour.
These emotional patterns develop over time and are deeply rooted in the experiences one was exposed to during childhood. In this woman’s case, it is reasonable to ask: How was she raised? What childhood traumas did she experience? What silent, unresolved emotional wounds might she have carried for years?
While we condemn her actions in their entirety, it is pertinent to consider that her upbringing may have emphasised wifehood above self-worth. This pattern may have taught her to suppress her needs in order to meet “wifely duties”, creating deep emotional fractures that, in extreme cases, can result in such heinous actions.
Ignoring trauma trajectories, such as raising a girl-child solely to be a perfect wife, perpetuates cycles of silent suffering. To address this issue, it is important to examine the statistics of mental health in Nigeria, understand the causes of grooming a girl child only for domestic roles while ignoring her broader capabilities and aspirations, and explore the implications of such patterns.
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TRAUMA: THE SILENT MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS IN NIGERIA
One of the mental health issues most often swept under the carpet is trauma, an emotional wound that can take a lifetime to heal. Trauma can be defined as a psychological and emotional response to deeply distressing or disturbing experiences. When left unaddressed, it often develops quietly, shaped by years of emotional neglect, suppression and unhealthy conditioning. Trauma can also lead to long-term mental health challenges such as anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and difficulties in relationships and self-worth.
Nigeria’s mental health statistics reveal the scale of this silent crisis. According to recent World Health Organization’s (WHO) reports, around 40–50 million Nigerians experience mental health conditions, with depression and anxiety being the most prevalent. Yet, over 75–90% of those affected receive no treatment, largely due to a severe shortage of mental health professionals.
The report notes that the entire country has only 300 psychiatrists for millions of people in need, a ratio that underscores a major care gap and chronic underinvestment in mental health services.
The findings also indicate that 1 in 4 Nigerians is likely to face a mental health disorder during their life-time. Overall, the majority of Nigerians struggling with mental health issues remain untreated, highlighting the urgent need for awareness, resources and intervention.
Women and girls who were conditioned from childhood to derive fulfilment solely from performing wifely duties are among these millions. They often internalise emotional distress; having been taught to normalize suffering and remain silent, believing endurance is a strength and a virtue of a good wife.
Consequently, this unhealed trauma affects their social life, marriage, motherhood and family life, perpetuating cycles of emotional dysfunction that can ripple throughout society.
THE CAUSES: WHY THIS PATTERN PERSISTS
There is no denying that Nigeria is a patriarchal society where men are perceived as the dominant species and are placed at the centre of authority within the society.
Women on the other hand, are expected to uphold a subordinate status and conform to narrow social roles that emphasise domestic expectations and homemaking.
Regardless of the modern era, many Nigerian men remain obsessed with this cultural norm of relegating women to the background in order to exert control and dominance.
This is why girls are socialised to adapt and accommodate such specific roles, a practice that is often more pronounced in rural communities where poverty thrives.
Conversely, boys are groomed to lead and make decisions, and as a result, they may exhibit misogynistic traits that can be detrimental to the girl-child. This imbalance is reinforced at home, in religious spaces, and even in casual conversations.
Another cause is society’s obsession with marriage as a measure of a woman’s worth. In Nigeria, a single woman is often not regarded as having complete social status, regardless of her education or achievements.
This is why questions such as, When are you marrying your heartthrob? or When is your wedding date? are prioritised in a woman’s social life. Such perceptions suggest that a woman becomes irrelevant despite her academic and career accomplishments, which are often treated as secondary until she chooses to have a man in her life.
Interestingly, religious doctrines also play a role in reinforcing these trauma patterns by encouraging women to thrive in silence while enduring dehumanising and life-threatening attitudes in their marriages. Biblical passages such as Ephesians 5:24, which calls on wives to submit to their husbands in everything, are frequently cited to define a woman’s role in marriage.
While some interpret this verse within a broader framework of mutual respect and love, others use it in isolation to justify control and dominance. Over time, submission is mistaken for virtue, and suffering is reframed as faith and this message is passed on to the girls.
Then there is the aspect of intergenerational conditioning, where women tend to raise their daughters exactly as they were raised. They pass down these traditional teachings, not because they were healthy, but because they are familiar. In this way, trauma becomes normalised and is perpetuated across generations as tradition.
THE HIDDEN COSTS OF GROOMING GIRLS FOR MARRIAGE
According to a Nigerian novelist, essayist and public intellectual, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, “We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, You can have ambition, but not too much”.
This statement reflects in the consequences of grooming girls solely to become perfect wives to their partners, and this has many implications, including erosion of self-worth and identity.
This single act negatively affects a girl’s self-esteem. She becomes timid and doesn’t trust her judgement. She tends to seek a man’s validation and often does not feel whole outside of relationships.
Such a mindset narrows her focus, making marriage her singular destination, and her value measured only by how well she can serve a man, while her confidence, self-expression and independence are often diminished in the process.
Another serious issue is the prevalence of dysfunctional marriages. As captured earlier, a girl might grow up to become a woman who seeks her identity in marriage rather than partnership. She may tolerate neglect, disrespect, or infidelity because she has been taught that endurance is strength. But the repercussions of this might push her to commit a crime of passion which results in taking her partner’s life because of years of silent emotional turmoil.
This conditioning also leads to a high tolerance for abuse. The girl finds herself tolerating abuse from any man she is in a relationship with because she has been conditioned that a man is the centre of her life. As such, she finds herself normalising physical and emotional abuse, perceiving such situations as love.
Beyond the home, there is a broader social and economic cost. Girls raised with the mindset of prioritizing men in their lives often show less interest in pursuing leadership, financial independence, or civic participation, viewing such pursuits as male-dominated domains. This invariably affects national growth and reinforces inequality.
Perhaps most damaging is that, over time, this conditioning in a girl’s life suppresses her emotions, which later turn into psychological trauma. This leads her into dysfunctional relationships where partnerships are built on obligation rather than mutual respect.
Unfortunately, this damage rarely ends with her; it is passed on, repeating itself across generations.
PATHWAYS TO RAISING CONFIDENT, WHOLE GIRLS
There is an African proverb that states, “Educate a woman and you educate a nation.”
In this context, educating girls, both formally and informally, especially in ways that affirm their worth as human beings and their understanding of fundamental rights, becomes an essential tool in dismantling harmful social norms, empowering future leaders, and fostering inclusive national development.
One of the pathways in addressing this social issue is by reframing girlhood beyond marriage and family roles. A girl child should be encouraged to see herself as a complete human being, even without a man in the picture.
Marriage should not be portrayed as a destiny but as a choice, giving a girl the liberty to decide only when she is ready.
A girl’s value should also be prioritised and must be affirmed independent of her marital status. This will increase her self-esteem, her confidence and also her self-worth. There is a need for parents and guardians to provide intentional emotional and value-based education for girls.
Beyond academic success, girls should be taught self-awareness, emotional intelligence, boundaries, self-respect and decision-making skills. Inculcating these traits helps girls build inner strength that benefits their future relationships.
To address trauma patterns in their lives, girls must also be taught the importance of identifying and acknowledging any emotional wounds they may carry, so they can develop healthy relationships, cultivate emotional resilience, and make informed life choices.
Another strategy is to set equal expectations for boys and girls. While girls are often groomed for domestic roles, boys should also under-stand that household chores are their responsibility, not solely the duty of females. This becomes possible when boys are raised to share responsibilities at home and taught to respect and communicate with girls without any form of discrimination. When boys are raised this way, it creates a safe and supportive environment in which girls can thrive.
Challenging harmful cultural and religious narratives is pertinent in addressing this social issue of limiting girls to one specific role. Community leaders, parents and faith-based institutions must openly encourage girls to be purposeful, helping them see themselves be-yond the roles of wife and mother. They should be taught to take up leadership positions, pursue their career goals, and have the courage to challenge any dehumanising cultural norms that limit their potential.
Through this approach, culture and religion can promote dignity rather than domination. Another aspect is the intervention at policy and community levels. Stronger enforcement of laws against child marriage increases girls’ access to education, while community-based awareness programmes are essential. It is important to emphasise that empowering girls is not just a family issue, it is a national responsibility.
Helping mothers and guardians break the cycle of trauma involves providing access to psychiatrists or counselors who can assist them in unlearning harmful conditioning. They should understand that raising girls in this manner can be detrimental to their children and may pre-vent them from reaching their full potential.
The process of healing from this type of trauma is not about assigning blame; it is about fostering awareness. This, in turn, will help mothers and guardians value themselves and promote healthy emotional patterns within the family.
Ultimately, Nigeria must have the courage to confront an uncomfortable truth: too many girls are lost to marriage because of entrenched patriarchal norms. Strong family values should create homes where both boys and girls can thrive without subjugation, a place without rigid gender roles, where responsibilities are shared, and every member is treated with equal respect and dignity.
We must prepare girls to grow into the best versions of themselves, so they see themselves as com-plete human beings, not merely wives-in-waiting. Until families are built on this truth, the cycle of trauma will continue to repeat itself, quietly, persistently, and at great cost to us all.
